It took me a long time to view depression as a disease. I blamed myself for not being positive enough or able to "get it together." This view was shared by a lot of my friends, who seemed truly baffled when I would cancel plans, swearing that I simply could not get dressed and out of the apartment. And, for me, there was lot of shame in coming clean to people that I was not feeling 100%. I didn't know how to convey what I was experiencing. I still think it is almost impossible to make someone understand who has never been truly, uncontrollably depressed.
I remember one Friday night, I had promised to meet up with several friends at a party. I had that feeling in my chest where it seems your lungs are being flattened by an anvil, and each breath is like inhaling acid. The thought of facing a noisy bar and acting chipper and upbeat--let alone the battle to put on something appropriate to wear and lipstick--left me completely debilitated. I. Could. Not. Do. It. I called to tell my friend, and she was angry with me. Even though there would be other people there, even though I wasn't leaving her abandoned on a Friday night with no plans, she was offended that I was cancelling last minute. I started to cry. I sobbed on the phone, "Do you think I want to feel this way? Don't you think I want to be out having fun on a Friday night?" She proceeded to give me a lecture about how I was wallowing in self-pity and that I could choose at any time to just decide to stop feeling sorry for myself. I admit that I sort of shared her view, which made me lack empathy for myself and made it even more difficult to feel better.
Now, I am convinced that depression is absolutely a disease--a disability that people can't see but that is just as serious as a physical malady. If you have it, go easy on yourself. You wouldn't tell a person with a broken leg to suck it up and run a marathon, right? What you are experiencing is real, and you can get through it. Don't make it harder by berating yourself for being sick!
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Even Underdogs Make Long Shots
We all have to guard against the belief that we can never be more than we are today. For example, it's easy to think that if you have never found love, you won't ever find love; if you haven't been successful at building the career of your dreams, you can't ever have the career of your dreams; or if you've been unhappy for as long as you can remember, you will always be unhappy. People learn from their experiences, sure. In a lot of ways it makes sense (think about cavemen learning the hard way to stay away from that saber tooth--the next caveman definitely benefited from believing that going to close would be dangerous!). In real life, going toward the saber tooth is sometimes exactly what we need to do. We have to confront our deepest fears. Usually we learn one of two things: our fear was unfounded (i.e. we open up to someone and realize we can trust them) or our fear was founded, but we survive it, and the survival diminishes our fear (i.e. we open up to someone and get hurt, but the hurt isn't as bad as we thought it would be).
The reason it's so important to confront our saber tooth is because sometimes the unexpected happens. Sometimes miracles even happen. But if you don't put yourself in a position to be blessed, then God can't bless you.
Whenever I want to remember how important it is to believe that I can make the long shot, I love to watch this video. (I dare you not to tear up, at least a little!)
The reason it's so important to confront our saber tooth is because sometimes the unexpected happens. Sometimes miracles even happen. But if you don't put yourself in a position to be blessed, then God can't bless you.
Whenever I want to remember how important it is to believe that I can make the long shot, I love to watch this video. (I dare you not to tear up, at least a little!)
Monday, April 16, 2012
My new favorite show: Touch
On a side note from my serious philosophical musings, I am really enjoying Touch, the new show on Fox.
We all want to believe that there is some grander pattern at work in our lives. So far, I haven't managed to watch even one episode without tearing up a little!
We all want to believe that there is some grander pattern at work in our lives. So far, I haven't managed to watch even one episode without tearing up a little!
Friday, April 13, 2012
Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good People?
We all know of good people who fall on hard times. Innocent children are born suffering from disease or into lives of violence or poverty--misfortunes they have done nothing to deserve. People of faith often have to confront this paradox: how can an all-loving God bestow blessings on some of His children and curses on others? Why are some people forced to bear heavier burdens than others? If God isn't fair, then what does this say about God?
I struggled a lot with these questions during my darkest hours. I wanted desperately to believe in God, but no matter how hard I prayed (or asked others to pray for me) or how much effort I put into being an even better person who did even more for others, my burdens weren't lifted. In fact, things seemed to get worse when I broke my leg on a cold winter day and faced commuting to work on ice and snow on crutches, which made public transportation nearly impossible. Every time I thought I couldn't possibly handle more, something else went wrong. I felt affronted because didn't God know I was a good person? It seemed to me that friends who didn't volunteer or donate to charity or do anything for others had much better luck than I did. You are probably already seeing the problems with my perspective.
First, we can never compare ourselves to others. God has a unique plan for each of us, and it is not dependent on how good we are or how (less) good others might be (and we can never truly know anyone but ourselves anyway).
Seond, none of us understands how the world works. Even atheists are taking a leap of faith in deciding that nothing exists aside from this life. We are all, every day, no matter what we believe, taking a leap of faith because none of us knows for sure why God put us here or what comes next.
Third, if we don't know for sure why God does what He does, then we can never know why bad things happen to good people. But, if we believe that God is truly a being of love and enlightenment, then we can trust that He has our best interests at heart. We can trust that even if we are good people going through bad things, there is a reason for our suffering, and we will be better for it. If not in this lifetime, then in whatever comes next.
There is a story I love about a little girl who finds a butterfly trying to struggle out of a cocoon. Thinking to spare the butterfly the pain of this process, the little girl tears the cocoon open and liberates the butterfly. But, instead of flying away, off into the blue skies in the full bloom of what the butterfly was meant to become, the butterfly's wings are shriveled, and it cannot fly. The process of breaking out of the cocoon--as painful as it might be--is necessary to push the moisture from the butterfly's wings to enable flight. Without that pain, the butterfly will never soar into the sky.
We are all butterflies. Whatever your struggles, you are breaking free from your cocoon to emerge into the fully beauty of all you might become.
I struggled a lot with these questions during my darkest hours. I wanted desperately to believe in God, but no matter how hard I prayed (or asked others to pray for me) or how much effort I put into being an even better person who did even more for others, my burdens weren't lifted. In fact, things seemed to get worse when I broke my leg on a cold winter day and faced commuting to work on ice and snow on crutches, which made public transportation nearly impossible. Every time I thought I couldn't possibly handle more, something else went wrong. I felt affronted because didn't God know I was a good person? It seemed to me that friends who didn't volunteer or donate to charity or do anything for others had much better luck than I did. You are probably already seeing the problems with my perspective.
First, we can never compare ourselves to others. God has a unique plan for each of us, and it is not dependent on how good we are or how (less) good others might be (and we can never truly know anyone but ourselves anyway).
Seond, none of us understands how the world works. Even atheists are taking a leap of faith in deciding that nothing exists aside from this life. We are all, every day, no matter what we believe, taking a leap of faith because none of us knows for sure why God put us here or what comes next.
Third, if we don't know for sure why God does what He does, then we can never know why bad things happen to good people. But, if we believe that God is truly a being of love and enlightenment, then we can trust that He has our best interests at heart. We can trust that even if we are good people going through bad things, there is a reason for our suffering, and we will be better for it. If not in this lifetime, then in whatever comes next.
There is a story I love about a little girl who finds a butterfly trying to struggle out of a cocoon. Thinking to spare the butterfly the pain of this process, the little girl tears the cocoon open and liberates the butterfly. But, instead of flying away, off into the blue skies in the full bloom of what the butterfly was meant to become, the butterfly's wings are shriveled, and it cannot fly. The process of breaking out of the cocoon--as painful as it might be--is necessary to push the moisture from the butterfly's wings to enable flight. Without that pain, the butterfly will never soar into the sky.
We are all butterflies. Whatever your struggles, you are breaking free from your cocoon to emerge into the fully beauty of all you might become.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Being True to the Best You Know
Whenever I find myself uncertain about a decision, I ask myself what path is consistent with the best inside of me. There are a lot of things that can justify a negative response: someone cuts in front of you in line, a friend cancels plans, a family member speaks rudely to you, the person you're dating blows you off--there are a million examples of things we encounter every day. Often I want to say something short-tempered, to "stick up for myself" and protect my ego or put the person in their place or wound back when I have been wounded. I've found it very effective to take a deep breath and ask myself, "What can I do now that is true to the best that I know?" The answer is always crystal clear. Usually doesn't provide the short-term satisfaction of sniping back at someone who snipes you first, but long-term, the truth inside of you is always right. Diffusing tense situations, behaving in ways I can later be proud of, and learning to control my impulses all, at the end of the day, make me feel better about myself. Often situations are still painful (it never feels good to get dumped or told off by someone you care about or treated disrespectfully), but we can double the pain we feel in such situations by behaving in ways that don't mesh with the best inside our hearts.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Positive Thinking Only Gets You So Far
Back when I was convinced I could positively think my way out of all my problems, friends told me to visualize the things I wanted in my life and to "really believe" they were on their way to me. In many ways, positive thinking is a very positive thing: it encourages you to examine what you want in your life, and it also inspires gratitude for the things you have. Gratitude, in my opinion, is huge. Focusing on our blessings nurtures our souls and gives credit to God for the things in our lives that are not broken (in our worst moments, the unbroken things might seem small--enough to eat, health, sunshine, family or friends--but almost always, we have something to be grateful for).
Positive thinking is dangerous when it becomes positive wishing. Somehow, people have the idea that every single person should be able to have every single thing desired simply because it is desired. If I want to be thinner and fall in love and own a million dollar summer home, positive thinking says all I have to do is believe I deserve it. If you believe in any kind of higher purpose, then this theory smells fishy from a mile away. Why would God put us here to spend our lifetimes fulfilling every whim? Often we desire things that would ultimately end up harming us or would not bring the happiness we anticipate.
While positive thinking in its truest sense encourages us to appreciate our blessings and think positively about the challenges we face, positive wishing encourages us to take God's place in deciding what we should have and when. None of us can know how the strands of our experiences will weave together in the end. We can't know what the tapestries of our lives are meant to depict. Instead of focusing on what we wish we had, contentment is found focusing on what we do have and what that suggests about the lives we are meant to lead. For example, I don't have enough coordination to be a professional athlete and am not built like a fashion model. No amount of positive thinking can change these attributes. God simply did not intend for me to pursue either of those paths. I could waste a lot of energy wishing that I were built differently, or I can trust that God knows best and focus on the talents I do have. I can use those talents to pursue the path that God intended for me.
Sometimes it is less clear cut. Maybe you have a lot of athletic potential (think Rudy), and a little voice inside urges you to continue on that path even if you are not sure you can succeed. Always listen to the little voice. Never shirk away from hard work that might uncover your potential. But, if it feels like you are beating your head against a wall, you might be. Are you wishing your way into a life that isn't intended for you? If so, then re-evaluate and appreciate the gifts that you do have, and look for another path. You always have the answer inside of yourself if you are willing to listen.
Always remember: you have everything you need to get where you are going. If you don't have it, and you can't get it through hard work, then you aren't meant to go there. Do not suffer unnecessarily mourning what cannot be. Something wonderful awaits if you can turn away from wishing and live the life you are meant to live.
Positive thinking is dangerous when it becomes positive wishing. Somehow, people have the idea that every single person should be able to have every single thing desired simply because it is desired. If I want to be thinner and fall in love and own a million dollar summer home, positive thinking says all I have to do is believe I deserve it. If you believe in any kind of higher purpose, then this theory smells fishy from a mile away. Why would God put us here to spend our lifetimes fulfilling every whim? Often we desire things that would ultimately end up harming us or would not bring the happiness we anticipate.
While positive thinking in its truest sense encourages us to appreciate our blessings and think positively about the challenges we face, positive wishing encourages us to take God's place in deciding what we should have and when. None of us can know how the strands of our experiences will weave together in the end. We can't know what the tapestries of our lives are meant to depict. Instead of focusing on what we wish we had, contentment is found focusing on what we do have and what that suggests about the lives we are meant to lead. For example, I don't have enough coordination to be a professional athlete and am not built like a fashion model. No amount of positive thinking can change these attributes. God simply did not intend for me to pursue either of those paths. I could waste a lot of energy wishing that I were built differently, or I can trust that God knows best and focus on the talents I do have. I can use those talents to pursue the path that God intended for me.
Sometimes it is less clear cut. Maybe you have a lot of athletic potential (think Rudy), and a little voice inside urges you to continue on that path even if you are not sure you can succeed. Always listen to the little voice. Never shirk away from hard work that might uncover your potential. But, if it feels like you are beating your head against a wall, you might be. Are you wishing your way into a life that isn't intended for you? If so, then re-evaluate and appreciate the gifts that you do have, and look for another path. You always have the answer inside of yourself if you are willing to listen.
Always remember: you have everything you need to get where you are going. If you don't have it, and you can't get it through hard work, then you aren't meant to go there. Do not suffer unnecessarily mourning what cannot be. Something wonderful awaits if you can turn away from wishing and live the life you are meant to live.
The Way I See It
1. God put us each here for a purpose. We all have a tangled ball of yarn inside of us that we are meant to unravel in this life. Some of us get anger or sadness or greed or loneliness--the mix is unique, and we alone can unknot the burdens we carry to set ourselves free.
2. Every day, every moment, we can choose to heal or harm. We heal ourselves when we make choices to lead us to grow. We heal others by showing kindness and shining a light into darkness. We harm ourselves by making decisions that further knot ourselves into fear and suffering, by wasting opportunities, and by languishing beneath our potential. We harm others in the obvious ways (cruelty and violence) but also through inaction when we could use the gifts God has given us to lessen the suffering of others.
3. We are here to experience and to translate experience into growth. Whether an experience will help us grow or set us back is something only we can know, but a good test is whether it is true to the best that you know.
4. Happiness is a wonderful gift and should always be cherished, but God did not put us here solely to seek out our own happiness. We each have a higher purpose--a mountain to climb--and our life's purpose will require work to attain.
5. None of us are given challenges we cannot meet. Pain is a sign that we are looking in the wrong places, refusing to learn lessons and returning again and again to behaviors that cause us to suffer, or ignoring God's path for us.
2. Every day, every moment, we can choose to heal or harm. We heal ourselves when we make choices to lead us to grow. We heal others by showing kindness and shining a light into darkness. We harm ourselves by making decisions that further knot ourselves into fear and suffering, by wasting opportunities, and by languishing beneath our potential. We harm others in the obvious ways (cruelty and violence) but also through inaction when we could use the gifts God has given us to lessen the suffering of others.
3. We are here to experience and to translate experience into growth. Whether an experience will help us grow or set us back is something only we can know, but a good test is whether it is true to the best that you know.
4. Happiness is a wonderful gift and should always be cherished, but God did not put us here solely to seek out our own happiness. We each have a higher purpose--a mountain to climb--and our life's purpose will require work to attain.
5. None of us are given challenges we cannot meet. Pain is a sign that we are looking in the wrong places, refusing to learn lessons and returning again and again to behaviors that cause us to suffer, or ignoring God's path for us.
Who is Felicity Seeds?
The idea for this blog came to me after a very difficult period in my life: death of a beloved family member, a failed eight-year relationship, a broken leg, difficulty finding friends in a new city, strings of unsuccessful job interviews, and a completed novel that no one wanted to publish. While things were falling apart, I tried positive thinking and prayer and exercise. I made resolutions and tried "new approaches" and grilled friends on things I might change. No matter what I did, I could not make my life go exactly the way I wanted. And the less I could make my life go the way I wanted, the worse I felt. After all, with hard work and the right attitude, I thought I should be able to make all my dreams come true. If I couldn't then I must be doing something wrong. I was sure that I was missing out on my life despite my best efforts.
Eventually, after I tried everything I could think of to get my life back on track, despair set in. I could hardly get out of bed. I cried all the time. And then, somewhere in the darkness, I realized that I was asking the wrong question. I had been doing everything to possible to figure out how to get the life I wanted. Instead, I needed to figure out how to live the life that I had.
We are told again and again that our goal should be happiness. We should figure out what we want and make it happen. We want God to deliver our custom-ordered life. But God created a custom-made life just for us--it's the life we already have. It may not look exactly the way we pictured, and things may not go exactly the way we want. We must strive to do the best job possible to live the lives that we have been given and to fulfill all the unique tasks God has put before us that we and we alone can fulfill.
This way of looking at the world saved my life. I have no idea if sharing my story will help even one person, but it is one small attempt to reach out to those who might feel the way that I felt. I know it isn't enough. I don't have any of the big answers: I don't know what God's purpose for us is or what comes next or why we suffer. All I have is a way of looking at the world that has helped me make sense of my challenges.
Felicity means both a source of happiness and a skillful faculty. Finding meaning in hardship is a source of happiness, and an ability to see utility in pain is a skillful faculty indeed. I hope that my thoughts might plant seeds of growth for others who struggle to find fulfillment and meaning when life is at its darkest.
God bless,
Felicity Seeds
Eventually, after I tried everything I could think of to get my life back on track, despair set in. I could hardly get out of bed. I cried all the time. And then, somewhere in the darkness, I realized that I was asking the wrong question. I had been doing everything to possible to figure out how to get the life I wanted. Instead, I needed to figure out how to live the life that I had.
We are told again and again that our goal should be happiness. We should figure out what we want and make it happen. We want God to deliver our custom-ordered life. But God created a custom-made life just for us--it's the life we already have. It may not look exactly the way we pictured, and things may not go exactly the way we want. We must strive to do the best job possible to live the lives that we have been given and to fulfill all the unique tasks God has put before us that we and we alone can fulfill.
This way of looking at the world saved my life. I have no idea if sharing my story will help even one person, but it is one small attempt to reach out to those who might feel the way that I felt. I know it isn't enough. I don't have any of the big answers: I don't know what God's purpose for us is or what comes next or why we suffer. All I have is a way of looking at the world that has helped me make sense of my challenges.
Felicity means both a source of happiness and a skillful faculty. Finding meaning in hardship is a source of happiness, and an ability to see utility in pain is a skillful faculty indeed. I hope that my thoughts might plant seeds of growth for others who struggle to find fulfillment and meaning when life is at its darkest.
God bless,
Felicity Seeds
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